I have been having sex with just one guy for a year
straight now. It's not because he shows grave interest in me, it's
just because I can't bare to love anyone. Truth is, I don't have
confidence no more, I feel like I am no longer myself and this state is
the worst to try to find love in. I have tied myself to Emmanuel
because I think it's best. All these while, I have kissed no one, I
have tried to not be in a compromising position with any guy at all even
when I feel pushed to.
Last night made it bad for me, I kissed Ebube. I didn't
mean to but, I had to. We had gone to the cinema to see the movie,
"girl trip" , it was cool, not even close to the best of my outings but
it felt good, I felt cold but I felt good. What didn't feel good was
the way he kept looking everywhere like his woman could walk into us in
the cinema and punch me right in face, like "bitch get the fuck off"
and that got me on the edge, scared!.
When we left the cinema and drove around portharcourt, I
had scribbled on a paper asking to kiss him. I am crazy, very crazy! I
guess only Emmanuel knows that, maybe that is why I don't want to cut
things off with him, there's no way he would see me any differently, I
am crazy and I can be very crazy with him without having to think I
would be judged. Back to the scribbled note, I asked to kiss Ebube,
well he was too bold for me, I wasn't prepared for that kind of
boldness but we kissed anyway, on the road in a car, in this fucking
Nigeria. What's that shit they say about a first time for everything,
okay, this was my first road kiss.
Yesterday got me thinking about myself and Emmanuel, about
how much he doesn't deserve me and well things shouldn't just be about
me right? Well right now I'm thinking about how much I don't deserve
his time too. We are both good in our ways, we deserve better than we
can give each other, we do but I won't let go, not yet. Maybe I am
selfish, I know he doesn't "love" me and deep down, I think I don't
love him too but I am not going to let him go. I am using him, I have
to admit I am. It's wrong I know but I am using him, to satisfy sexual
desires at times when I feel the urge, I admit I am selfish but truth
is I could date him, I could marry him even. Minus party life,
drinking and smoking, Emmanuel is a great guy, great super smart
lawyer who won a case against an ex president , stupid agnostic
humanist , great egocentric maniac who could care enough to make your
sorrows go.
I have lost my confidence, that's another issue,
yesterday made me realize it. I have no confidence no more, my
confidence died that night. The night I waited for Emmanuel outside his
father's house and watched his younger brother's girlfriend walk out
the house , she ordered an uber, she was fucking hot, a BIG chick! Not
me, I can't even get things straight yet. I am a university drop out,
I can't afford an uber, yes I am pretty but I felt for the first time
in a long time that I belonged below Emmanuel. His younger brother was
dating a slay queen and I felt I was worth him? My confidence level
dropped from 80 to -0. I became scared of everything, I felt never
worthy of anything like I felt not worthy of having Ebube take me out.
There is someone else, Okechukwu, he is like the one who
works out everything. He talks sense into my head, he makes me see the
goddess in this broken me. He makes me understand that friendship
could be worth more than a fling and even a relationship. He gets mad
at me when I go paranoid over a mere guy and he teaches me to be a
goddam bitch. It's funny, his father is some popular pastor but
without religion, he keeps mending me. In all my stupid struggle, I
am glad I have Okechukwu, someone I can rely on, someone I can fall
back on. Someone I will not friend-zone.
You know, I am bound to Emmanuel in a crazy kind of way, I
begin to feel funky after kissing Ebube but then I text Emmanuel asking
him to tell me to do nothing stupid, he does and I seem to want to
forget Ebube and go crazy on the thoughts of everything I have shared
with Emmanuel . But I lied again this morning, I said I loved
Emmanuel, I know he feels it's all a big lie, lawyers are liars and a
liar knows a lie.
Oh, Ebube is a lawyer too. You know, I don't need all
this guys trouble, I don't. I deserve to focus and return to school,
before resumption I would be idle so I want to go into sales of shoes,
something to make me travel. Something to tie me down and leave little
room for stupid thoughts of crazy people.
I would return home soon and Ebube would be just a dream,
Emmanuel would be an addiction I am trying to overcome and Okechukwu, a
temptation never to fall into.
Amen!
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