4 Ways To Get Turned On And Be More In The Moment During S*x

We’re always hearing that we could be having better s*x, a better orgasm, or a better relationship. But how often do we hear the nitty-gritty of how we can actually better understand our deepest desires and most embarrassing questions? Bustle has enlisted Vanessa Marin, a s*x therapist based in San Francisco, to help us out with the details. No gender, s*xual orientation, or question is off limits, and all questions will remain anonymous. Please send your s*x and relationship inquiries to tips@bustle.com. Now, onto today’s topic: how to feel more turned on during s*x.
Q: I’d love some tips on how to get aroused and stay aroused during s*x. It seems like my boyfriend can be ready to go whenever, and we can both get frustrated that it takes me more time to get worked up. I’ll usually go along with s*x because I want to make him happy, but it’s hard for me to stay focused. My mind wanders, and sometimes I feel bored or worried about coming, and stop feeling turned on. This can happen even if I was really horny and wanted to have s*x. I’m only 25, and it feels like I should be enjoying s*x more. How can I work on this without forcing myself to feel something I’m not?
A: Thanks for your question! Arousal is a complex process, and there could be a lot of different factors at play here. Fortunately there are some tried-and-true ways to increase your enjoyment of s*x. Let’s dive right in!

1. Respect Your Natural S*x Drive

You said in your message that you almost always say yes to s*x when your boyfriend initiates, even if you’re not in the mood. It’s hard (though not impossible) to feel aroused during s3x if you weren’t ever aroused in the first place. It’s like sitting down to eat a really great meal when you’re already full. Sure, it might still taste kinda good, but you’re probably not going to be able to enjoy it the way you would when you were legitimately hungry.
Maintenance sex can be part of a healthy relationship, but you should feel comfortable turning down *x if you’re not in the mood (and your boyfriend should be respectful of your decision). Doing so may help you get more in tune with your own natural feelings of arousal and desire.

2. Give Yourself Time To Warm Up

It sounds cliche, but women do tend to take longer to warm up to s*x than men do. A lot of women will get frustrated with themselves for not responding faster, instead of being patient and giving themselves time to feel desire.
The process of getting aroused is an enjoyable experience, so it’s not like this should feel like a chore! Let your boyfriend know that his frustration with you only derails your arousal even more, and ask him to be more supportive of helping you get aroused. Ask if the two of you can spend more time on foreplay before moving on to intercourse. What are your favorite foreplay activities? Kissing? Holding each other? Talking and connecting? Laying in bed naked together? Spend 10-20 minutes going nice and slow, doing the things you enjoy the most. Feel your pleasure and desire gradually building.

3. Don’t Expect To Be Present All The Time

It’s normal to get distracted during sex, even if you’re enjoying yourself. Think of the last time you did one of your favorite activities. Let’s say you went out for dinner and drinks with your best friend in the world. Even if you guys had the most ridiculously fun night, there were bound to be times where you drifted off mentally. Maybe you checked out looking at Facebook or got distracted by period cramps. A lot of people expect to be completely in the zone during sex, but it very rarely works out that way in real life. Don’t put pressure on yourself to be present and engaged 100 percent of the time.

4. Get More Familiar With Your Desires