A
Nigerian doctor in her column series, "Couple's Clinic", has used a
story to narrate the effect of a partner being the one always giving in a
relationship. It's a must read!
File photo
If you are the only one who is giving in a relationship you are
bound to run very dry. Many times, women are the ones who suffer but
then there are also some men that are the ones who give in the
relationship.
So, in this particular relationship, Femi and Bukky have been
married for 25 years. Femi told me that he has been the one who always
gives of his time, energy, love and affection. He feels like he is about
to give his last breadth yet Bukky does not seem to be satisfied. The
couple have four grown children: a 21-year-old boy and three girls aged
19, 15 and 10.
According to Femi, Bukky has never worked and refuses to work. She
insists on driving flashy cars, living luxuriously and vacationing. Femi
who is a medical doctor puts in 60-hour workweek to support Bukky and
the children. Femi told me that other than the children, he would have
walked away 10 years ago after the last child was born.
It all began when they met in medical school many years ago in
England. They used to study together and he would help her study to pass
her exams. Bukky never really wanted to be a doctor but she had to
please her parents. Bukky was very lazy but had a passion for the arts.
She would spend her entire day drawing and just being happy instead of
studying. Her parents were very wealthy and if she quit school they
would cut off her inheritance. Bukky therefore had to pretend all the
time that she enjoyed medical school.
Bukky was brilliant so she could study and would grasp everything.
In short, she had an electronic brain. Femi on the other hand spent long
hours studying. So, they teamed up and became studying partners. Femi
enjoyed being with Bukky, he admired her a lot and hoped for something
more but Bukky did not have any type of romantic affection for Femi
other than just being friends.
By the time med school was over, Femi secretly wished that he would
be posted in the same hospital with Bukky and when his wish was
granted, he was elated. He planned to propose to her then. Bukky on the
other hand was just happy to finish medical school. Her plan was to work
in medicine for just two years, quit, and move to Paris and just paint.
She hoped she would meet a fellow painter, fall in love and have no
babies at all.
Well, it didn’t happen like that. By the time she had worked for
about six months, whom did she run into? It was Femi. She was happy to
see him and they became friends again. Soon, they became more than just
friends and as the universe would have it Bukky was pregnant. Femi
wanted marriage and reluctantly Bukky agreed. Of course, Bukky felt
doomed and condemned but as usual, she was used to pleasing others,
first her parents and now Femi.
So, 25 years later, Femi had to bargain for everything with Bukky.
He gave more and more and more and always had to twist Bukky’s arm to
get her to do something.
He was lucky to have such great kids and so he continued to work so
hard. Bukky finally quit medicine and just painted. She was a lousy
mother, housewife and lover in fact a very selfish one but a great
painter. Femi would work so hard and come home to a filthy home and
filthy kids. He would roll up his shirt and begin to clean up. This
continued for several years and now, 25 years later, he told me that he
was ready to walk away otherwise he would die. Simply put, Femi was
tired of giving and giving and giving.
So, how do you fare if one partner is the sole emotional and
financial giver? This is the crux of this segment. I wish also that you
all could contribute to keep this conversation going. Next week, we
would begin to look at different ways to handle this situation.
Credits: Couple's Clinic with Dr. NJ for The Sun